My lowest point.

Tell me, how low do you have to get to truly believe that you are getting used and disrespected at work because you are not pretty enough?

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have reached that point.

Friday I just sat in the car sobbing because the only conclusion I could think of that I was getting used and disrespected as badly as I am is because – wait for it – I’m not pretty like the other girls.  Do I believe it?  Yeah – sometimes.  At the moment probably pretty strongly.  I am swollen from the Prednisone and while my skin is marginally better on the corticosteriod, I still look in the mirror and see “elephant woman”.  It’s frustrating because if that is the reason so little is thought of me… it is one of the few things I can’t change.  I was adding up my medical expenses for the last year… there was $900 + in just various Crohn’s medications and vitamins… there is another $500 + in creams, potions, lotions, scrubs, gels and exfoliants that I have tried to get my skin back to some semblance of normality.  None of it has worked.  The only time I was sporting something close to what I consider “normal” skin was in Fiji, when I had no stress.  Do I think that stress is a cause of my skin problems – yes, I think its a big contributing factor.  How do I escape stress?  In my current life its impossible.  So its kinda funny – if FTJ doesn’t think I’m good enough because of the way I look – they’re contributing to it least a little bit.

Its hard – because I think maybe I’d have a few up days if I could go get my hair done or, I don’t know, something.  But we are at the business end of wedding savings now (a wedding that still isn’t planned with a little over 3 months to go)… I can’t justify it.  I mean, in a few months when I see we are past the worst of it, sure, I will lash out then – but it never seems to come together when you need it to you know?

In other medical news, I have had a pretty strong pain in my chest for about 3 days now – its not unbearable so I’m bearing it, but I feel like (funny enough), I’m drowning.  It makes me feel like this heavy weight is on my chest.  It could be remnants for my chest infection, or it could be something new?  All I can say for sure is that I am sick of feeling sick, not being able to sleep and being a psychological timebomb.  I am almost hoping this doesn’t work and the check me in to get the resection before the wedding.  I don’t think my body could take another course of Prednisone like this and I think I could do with some time out to take care of my mind.  The break from FTJ surgery would give me might encourage my sanity to return?  Where am I at?  Am I wishing for surgery just so I can rest my tired body and my overcome mind?  Who does that?  What normal person talks like this?

All I know is I am desperate to look in the mirror and see a normal looking girl who has her confidence back, smiling.  I know she is far away though – so I am stuck with myself for at least a while longer.

No Comments Yet.

Leave a Reply