Well it’s Easter break and I should be working on my 1000 pending freelance jobs… but after this week I decided to take the day to be a bit self indulgent and reflective. Its been a bad week.

So – the job that was meant to solve all our problems? Has only created new ones. I get home from whatever client meeting I have that day and my partner is at home. Great right? Not really when he is stilling with a scowl on his face. Fantastic. I really needed just one thing to go right… I thought this was it. I thought this was going to turn our lives around…. I am starting to think its not going to be that easy… but what is?

Work… oh my god work.  It has brought me down so much this week.  And I suppose its only because I am starting to figure out a few “home truths”.  Probably the most notable: “people are going to use you to make themselves look good” and “people will only help you if its going to make them look good”.  I have to say, coming to these two realizations has been a real disappointment to me.  I have always (providing I have time and occasionally to the detriment of my own work) been the first to put my hand up to help other people out.  I suppose its in my nature.  But… as I have sat behind my desk, struggling for the last two weeks… I have only been asked what I am doing… with only one offer of help… from someone that couldn’t help me.  So next time.. when there is only one person on the phones… and I am at my desk, eating my lunch and helping out… I might think twice.  I might go outside, and have 20 minutes to myself rather than give myself indigestion.  Maybe I should jump on board with the cool kids philosophy and only look out for #1?  I know I would have furthered my career a great deal more of I had that cut throat, step on people, get what *I* want at any cost, mind set.  But I just don’t.  I don’t know why…. Sometimes I wish I did so I could do it to the people who are doing it to me – give them a taste of their own medicine… but… its just not me… so they will keep taking advantage and I will keep letting it happen.

I think what made me the most sick this last, short week… was the insinuation that to cope with a workload which is obviously too much for one person (and has been for at least 12 months) I should work after hours and on weekends… Excuse me, but no.  As my boss profoundly put it “Amanda, you have a life…” and left it at that… True.  I think… I m going to continue to miss deadlines and say “no”.  The reality is… there is too much work for one person… and unless I start to just let things slip (which I hate doing) rather than turning myself inside out to get everything done… they will ever realise and things will never change.  Thinking back – me busting my arse after hours for nothing more than I normally get (apart from higher expectations of me) marks all the periods where I have been most ill.  Am I prepared to put in the extra time?  Sure I am… but they need to invest a bit in me too.  It is at the point of stupidity – and people making claims of “it not being on the cards” well… then I am going to end up in hospital and they will have no-one there to do it…. maybe that should be a consideration.  I think… before you make comment on someone else’s situation – try and gain an understanding for their circumstances (and I am talking professionally and personally here).  In essence – if you think its so easy, walk a mile in their shoes… I think you will realise you like your own more – because they fit better.

Finally down to my medication review… it was yesterday and it didn’t go well.  I haven’t been feeling good.  When asked to pinpoint where or how… all I can do is shrug… Can’t I just throw a blanked statement out there that I feel shit?  Cause I feel shit!   Dr E, again, has been the light of my week.. I went into see him with my new glasses on and he just sat their staring at me… until I said “sooo…. like my new glasses?” to which he replied “… yeah.. they’re awesome, they suit you so much”… my heart fluttered a little.. it has been the only nice thing said to me in weeks… He is the first person I have smiled at for real in weeks.  Dr. E is the first doctor I have ever looked forward to seeing… I just wish he had better news for me.  My iron was borderline infusion, but he couldn’t justify sending me for one… because, it wasn’t that making me feel like I am feeling… I know, I was shocked too.  He very quietly instructed me to once again stop taking my Imuran for a week.  Unfortunately we have done this dance before, so I knew to ask a few more questions…. my Imuran levels are too high again.  They are double (and some change) what they should be… not as high as the first time – but still, too high and approaching the “danger” mark.  After I go back on – I am to reduce my dosage another 25mg.  I will be taking only 75mg of Imuran.  This is where we start playing roulette.  This is where my disease can become active again because my dosage isn’t high enough… but where is there for me to go?  The only other drugs are quite powerful – for the more serious cases of actual disease… if the Imuran is screwing with me, then well… I guess I am saying they are running out of plausible options.  I should have been stabilised by now… its been a year… But I feel further away from being “stable” than when I first started all the medication… and the frustration is starting to show… a lot.  When I try to explain to my parents they still just change the subject… they can’t handle what I am going through.. I know that, but boy, I wish they could deal with it enough to be empathetic to my situation… I don’t even get empathy from them…

My frustration bubbled over last night again for the second time in a month…. and this is indeed why counseling is included in health plans… The cracks are starting to show now… my “in public” face is starting to fade… and the raw reality of what life is like now is starting to seep in… and people are starting to notice.  Should I care?  Should I care that they are being exposed to this whether they like it or not?  I would like to say no… but I know, for a fact… not everyone is built to deal with things like this…. but I am… and that means I might have to bare a lot of this burden alone…

So how do I like my eggs?  Cracked.  Just like me.