Okay – so… I have been fairly secretive about “something” lately and there is a good reason for that.  This is a public blog, so everyone in my life and not has access to it and could find it if they looked hard enough.

I applied for a job last week.  The first non Government job I have applied for in 6 years.  Sure I have been through some bitterly dissappoionting experiences at my workplace – but, even with the Crohn’s hanging over my head, I will never lose my job.  Its a fairly secure position to be in, especially considering that I have about 100+ sick days in the bank so I could cover even major bowel surgery and not be without my wage.

I went to two interviews for said job, was offered said job for quite a bit more money than what I am on now, and declined said job.

I can make every excuse in the book – but it comes down to this: I have Crohn’s Disease and I can’t risk our house on the fact a new employer will just understand that I get sick… very sick.

They nod and make all the right gestures – but until you see it… until you see someone suffering with it, you don’t really have a clear idea of what to expect.  So Crohn’s stopped me from taking a new job.  Well, no, it didn’t.  I have the disease, but I stopped me from taking it.

It would have meant jumping considerably ahead money wise, but it also meant going back in time and breaking ground I already broke 7 years ago.  They swore it wouldn’t be long weeks and there was support yadda yadda.  But… they wanted to hire me because I’d been there… and I have been there.  I know the result will be pulling 50-55 hour weeks to get things moving.  I know there will be stress… and I would need to break in a new manager, get them used to me.  To be quite frank, I don’t have the energy for it…  It honestly sounds to me like one 18 month flare up waiting to happen.  On top of that I would lose all the ground I have gained in my private enterprise – I would lose my private enterprise.  The disease wears me out to start with, add 50 hour, high stress weeks to that and there will be nothing left in the tank.

It’s funny, I got so worked up over it… but I knew the answer all along.  I am not well enough to go back to being that person – and to be honest, I have no desire to do that sort of work while I am still learning about my health predicament.

So I suppose Crohn’s didn’t stop me – common sense did.  Maybe I am learning?  Maybe I am starting to put my own health first?

I have to say though – it did give me that warm fuzzy feeling.  You know, apply for one job, get one job.  Someone wanted me – Crohn’s and all (I told them about it, I needed to).  It gives me hope that this isn’t the end of my career, its not the end of anything (accept from bean dip and Mexican).  It also means when I am well (the most well you can be given the circumstances) that opportunities will be there for me – and I will be able to physically live up to the challenge.

My work – it has its ups and downs. Who’s work doesn’t?  But they have supported me through one of my greatest challenges to date – being diagnosed and living my first year as a Crohn’s sufferer.  Its not a bad place and I am not ready to move on.

I am ready however – to feel well.