This afternoon I took what is a very big step for me.  I rang around, found a new bulk billing GP, and made an appointment to get the first Gardasil immunisation.  Why is this a big step for me?  I am terrified of injections.  Why?  Well, lets just say that I have had two standout bad experiences that have put me off injections forever.  So, usually when the subject of a needle or an immunisation I don’t need comes up – I will avoid it… Even when I was mid flare-up and had been vomiting for near on two days I declined the stematel shot.

Don’t get me wrong, I know its irrational considering I can sit down and almost sing a jaunty tune while getting blood taken.  But it is what it is.  I had to ring 5 different places to see if a) they were taking new patients and b) if they would administer the Gardasil to persons over 26 (that confirms that yes I have been 25 for a few years now and my actual chronological age is 27 – 28 in September).  Generally after the first rejection I would have given up with a smile on my face – happy I didn’t have to endure two days of white knuckle terror.  It seems however, that this experience has changed me – I hope for the better.  I know that I need to start taking better care of myself – because ignoring my problems and pretending I was alright is what got me into this mess in the first place.

So.. why am I getting the Cervical Cancer Vaccine?  Well as previously mentioned I will be starting a course of Imuran soon.  There is a distinct increase in the incidence of the HPV virus (the virus which causes some types of Cervical Cancer) in immunosuppressed people.  The risk of developing another potentially deadly disease is far too much of a threat.  I think its obvious by that statement, I have made the decision that I want to live – if this had all come up a few months ago, I am not sure my reaction or my actions would be the same.  But saying that, I am not doing it for my family, or my friends or some misplaced sense of obligation.  I am doing all this for me.

While the terror that rattles through me at the thought of injections is the most recent unpleasant thing I have had to so – its not the only one.  I talked before about an infusion because I am low on Iron – well I can’t spend a whole day in the hospital right now – work is too busy and part of having an obligation to myself is not making things harder.  Being unemployed, would make everything a lot harder.  So in the mean time, we are giving it one last ditch effort to get my iron numbers respectable before the infusion.  I have been put on the most potent Iron supplement which wont interfere with my Crohns.  Its called Ferro-Liquid and its vial.  Not only that, its making me feel ill.  The most I have been able to eat in three days is a slice of bread with my Entocort and a bowl of veggies at night.  Not really good for my seesawing weight at the moment – something I have been battling with the last few months.  Never the less – I am persisting with it even though I know the infusion is inevitable.

I am scheduled to be starting the Imuran on the 23^rd of August – I am hoping to push that out a bit – till after the 29^th of September when I have had the first two Gardasil shots.  That will also give me two more good months before I have to face the next round of treatment – which is bothering me.  Don’t get me wrong I am going to go on it and I am going to take the full dose – because I am living proof that leaving Crohns disease unchecked and untreated for long periods of time is more destructive than any treatment.  It will also give us time to write a will.  Now I am not being all negative about what’s going on – I am being realistic.  I do have a serious illness and now we have actual assets, I will worry a lot less knowing that there will not be a fight for my half of the house.  Another interesting thing that we learned recently is that even if you have jointly owned assets – even if the loan is in both names the Government can at the very least tie up settlement in the event of a death.  Worst case they or lets say an ex-husband or defacto can lay claim with every chance they may be able to win.  Will kits (the ones you get from the newsagency) are better, but not much.  If you have a serious illness (hell even if you don’t) writing a will in the presence of a lawyer is important and shouldn’t be put off until its too late.  Its not morbid – its smart.

After tomorrow (terror) I am looking forward to the rest of the month.  Spending time with my partner, spending time with family (both biological and non-biological) and not getting dragged down with any needles bullshit.

For a change, I am making the hard decisions for the right reason.  I am making these decisions so I can fight Crohns disease with every weapon I have available to me.