Searching for fulfilment in all the wrong places


It’s been quite a whiles since I wrote – I still have all my surgery horror stories (just kidding) to recount – which I do intend to do.

So today I am almost (3 days off) 9 months post-op. For the most part I’m well and I’m starting to very slowly rejoin life. I think social skills must be like a muscle…. I hadn’t used mine for such a long time they have rusted and seized… I’m no longer very good with the day to day social landscape (read: I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with and relating to people). Maybe this is normal? A support group has opened up on the Gold Coast (where I currently hang my hat) which I’m keen to go to – while my body is working ok – the rest of me needs some work.

Since the resection – more than ever – I’ve been cornered into defending some of my choices in life. I will agree that not ALL the decisions I’ve made have been award winners – for instance suffering through 5 years of serious bowel obstructions rather than going to ED wasn’t probably one of my shining examples. That being said – they are my decisions and I want to say publicly, for the record that if you take offence or think I’m selfish perhaps use some introspective and think for a minute. What business of yours are my personal decisions? Ha! There, I said it!

I suppose this has been brought on by a few things – most recently an amazing article I read online about a woman’s choice not to have Children. I’m childless – and I could go on to say that I haven’t because I’m worried about passing my condition on or the fact after bombardment with all the Crohn’s drugs I’d find it hard if not impossible blah blah blah… but the truth – the underlying factor is… my husband and I simply don’t want kids.

We don’t want kids for many of the reasons outline in the article, financial (we can’t have a life on a single wage and couldn’t provide all the things for a child that we’d like to) emotional (because I, we are still struggling with where we fit throwing a pregnancy in there isn’t going to solve any of that), Medical (don’t really need to explain that one, right?) and choice. Yes, choice. A good friend of mine recently said to me “kids are great – but if you don’t want them… and I mean you don’t feel passionately about having one… don’t do it”. Quietly, my friend is awesome. She has made the last 2 years of my life a lot less like hell – for no other reason than… I can’t sum it up really without just saying awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I digress. We did think and talk about it – but in the end our decision was clear cut – we would have been doing it because we thought “that’s just what you do” not because that’s what we want. This isn’t me slagging off at parents – you people rock my world, your brave, selfless, tireless and special. But my choice doesn’t make me any less so – those qualities just exist in different areas and in relation to different things.

To recap – yay for parents, you guys rule! Yay for choice and choosing not to have kids – cause that’s ok too.

My best friend in the world passed back in 2010 and at that very moment something in me broke. Something that’s not meant to be fixed. Your eventually meant to know what it’s like – loss on that kind of scale and yeah, it’s meant to change you. Since then, I’ve changed a lot… I’ve tried fighting and being aggressive… I’ve tried being passive… I’ve tried this and tried that and finally found myself here… and finally I’m starting to figure out who I really am, what I stand for and what I believe. It’s been a really interesting journey and one that I’d love to share with people more as time passes… the result: I have no idea – and that’s totally cool. I know that my aim is to wake up and be the best person I can possibly be for that particular day. And sometimes that’s a chick that’s got her bitch-switch set to full but chooses not to loose it at the girl in the other room doing her best in a hard situation… and sometimes that’s someone who bakes cookies for everyone in her office (I must admit, last time I did that I had the flu and probably gave it to about 9 people – but hey, totally not my fault).

It’s corny – but I think I’ve figured out that I’m about figuring it out. And I’m ok with that being a journey that lasts a long, long time.

So does the house (that’s falling down around me), or the cars (that are almost constantly broken down), the job (where I get screamed at for something innocuous before I can sit down in the morning) or any of the “things” bringing me fulfilment? No. But being on this journey of change where I’m trying to master patients, the art of “letting go”, forgiveness and charity…. I’m probably the furthest thing from perfect you’ll find with relation to any of those things – but I’m trying… and it’s bringing me closer to peace. The fight hasn’t left me at all – I just getting a better understanding of which battles are worth fighting now.

Life isn’t hearts roses and puppies – I’m not trying to say it is. But clinging to the one good thing, however small, that happened in your day rather than the 100 bad things can turn the way you look at the world on it’s head… more than that… letting that ooze out of you… it can change the people around you too.

Try it one day – or hey, don’t. That’s your choice. We’re all on our own journey… or own search for fulfilment – and the road and destination is totally different for each of us.


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