Going back even 3 years – the thought of having less than $5k in savings at any one time (for an emergency) would cause me so much stress – it would keep me awake at night (or, that could of just been the Prednisone)… things have really really changed for me and for us.
I’m pleased (yes, pleased) to say that we have nothing saved right now… nope, not a single cent that’s not already allocated to a bill or rates. We have nothing. The thing that used to keep me awake at night now brings me nothing but sheer pleasure. We’re always broke – because we’re out living our lives.
I was talking to my best friend over the weekend (through muffled coughing fits – I have the flu), we talk about many things when we’re together. But he is one of the very few people I can talk openly about mortality with. It doesn’t worry him and that makes me at ease – because my own mortality doesn’t worry me so much any more either. I mean – I don’t want to die, I have plenty more to do and see – but I guess I know it’s going to happen, I hear the clock ticking.
People who read that last part are going to think it strange. “… but I guess I know it’s going to happen…”, of course it is right? Everyone knows that life’s natural conclusion is death. Well they know the words – but do they understand it’s going to be them one day? It’s an interesting concept that we spoke about. My conclusion at the end of the night is that people aren’t out enjoying their life because they don’t know they’re going to die. Death is often seen as something that happens to old people. I suppose Chronically Ill people are exposed to it more so we have a different perception of death. But here it is, on a plate. It can happen anytime, anywhere and to anyone. Death doesn’t plan or discriminate. Because my own body is trying to kill me I feel the pull of experience more than some. But should I? If I stand in a room of people around my age – does the fact I have Crohn’s disease mean I’m going to pass any sooner or later than the person standing next to me? The short answer is who knows. Life is most certainly a lottery and sure – I’ve been dealt some shitty numbers, but there are some stages you have to just sit back and see the blessings mixed up in all of that.
I will not wait. I will not wait until we have more money. Until my health is perfect. Until it’s convenient for work or until my family thinks it’s a good time for my to travel. I will not let fear or anxiety deter me from seeing more or doing more. My life (notice the MY life – it doesn’t necesselsarilly mean “everyones life”) is made up from experiences. The person I am has been crafted from travel and concerts and seeing things that I couldn’t explain on a blog even if I tried.
Not everyone is going to understand what I mean. People are often cruel about our decisions – rarely to our face of course. It’s only recently I’ve started to lay the angst I used to feel about people criticising our decisions to rest. I’ve put it to bed and put it behind me because it’s no one else’s place to make ANY comment on how someone else lives their life. This is how we CHOOSE to live ours – and you know what, even with some of the hiccups and the downs – there are spectacular ups.
My life is precious – and it will end one day – without notice. My surgery really changed me – inside and out, more than I’d care to admit. Talking about it has been a long time coming. As I hugged my husband goodbye – I realised it could be the last time I was with him. Was it enough? I came to the conclusion it would never be. I also came to the conclusion we still have a lot to show each other and teach each other. When I woke up – all that money I’d scrimped and saved to make sure the mortgage could be paid if I died on the table – I realised that was a complete waste. Since then – we have been adults about the house – we are fixing it up, to rent, for sure, but also to live in for the time being. But the travel… wow the travel. I’m part way through booking two holidays and planning a third in September-ish next year. We will not have a cent to our name – not one to spare… but we will be the richest people sitting in any given room.