I was so down this morning I almost didn’t get out of bed… and what’s my excuse?  Nothing.  I have no excuse for being depressed at all… I have two jobs that bring in ok money, a house, two beautiful pets and a husband (who struggles to show it a lot of the time) who loves me.  My life, by definition, is perfect.  So, that begs the question, what the hell is wrong with my head….?

I wanna say its been just for the last few days – but that’s not true.  I’ve been in this funk for at least two weeks… it coincides with when I went back on the Mercaptopurine after being so sick with CMV… but for the life of me I can’t remember if this has happened before with this drug?  My mind is a jumble of different drugs and side effects… and in the last 3 months its been a wild see-saw of being on and coming off due to bacterial and viral infection…

This isn’t like me… seeing the worst in every situation… and that’s precisely what’s happening… I’m wanting so badly for something good to happen right now and its like all that want is just turning to poison…

Admittedly I have had a few big things come up over the last week.  The biggest perhaps is having “the talk” with my rapidly aging parents.  My dad turned 75 on Friday – and as much as we’ve had our differences, I got some of the best parts of me, from him.  Talking to them about going into a staged retirement home wasn’t any easier out loud than it was in my head – but it does really fall on me… I think dad knows, but mum, we lets just say I know where my brother gets his stubbornness from.  I’m hoping I can push from my end and dad can pull from the other side and we will meet somewhere in the middle.  I think the hardest thing is if they don’t make plans and visit potential homes it will be up to me to “put” them somewhere – possibly somewhere where they don’t want to be.  I don’t want that kind of responsibility, I certainly don’t want it on my own.  It is what it is though.  I would much rather they start preparing and at least can give me a list of “no’s” and “maybes”, cause right now I’m flying blind.

Perhaps this is the crux of my situation, sometimes I feel like I have to be the adult and you know – sometimes I want to be the irresponsible 30-year-old.  I really can’t let go anymore… I used to have this piece of me that I could “break off”, it would be responsible when it needed to be but cut loose as soon as Friday night rocked around.  I feel like my guard is up all the time… and what’s worse, I feel like it has to be.  I’m not really sure what would happen if I did just “let go” now… that person did have fun… but she also had no boundaries.  I know it sounds like fun and games, but approaching some situations with no little voice saying “this isn’t a good idea” can end badly.  When you’re single and your only responsibility is to see just how much of your wage you can drink on the weekend.. well, you get the point.

I think right now, I need a holiday from myself and to be blatantly honest I’m not sure how to do that… I’ve forgotten what its like to enjoy being alive, young and female.  I realise that not all the consequences that go with that are pleasant, but it’s part of my nature… and part I don’t want to fight anymore.  Of all the stupid things to help me try and figure out what’s going on in my head its a ridiculous TV show…

I enjoy the part of me that’s irresponsible and care free.  I enjoy being that person.  I also know I can’t be that person all the time – but somewhere along the lines that’s translated to “you can’t be that person at all”.

My fight is waining and my front is eroding.  Maybe its time to go and do something stupid.