A strange thing happened in the early hours of new years day.  I had an epiphany of sorts.

I had been carrying around a lot of hate – particularly in the last few years.  Hate for my ex, hate for all the women he was sleeping with, hate for the doctor who refused to believe I was sick, hate for our bank and everyone who worked there… Yep, lots of hate.  On Saturday morning last, I realised I didn’t have it anymore.  I realised I didn’t have it for a while.

Maz’s death changed me.  I know what real loss feels like now and I can never unknow that.  Its strange, I think even the smartest person realises how little they know about the world in the face of death.  I used to think I was pretty worldly, now I don’t think I will ever be.  I don’t think I will ever understand why she was taken away.  I don’t think I will ever get over the fact she will never know how her book ended or watch the movie she’d had reserved at the video library.  The only thing I can do now, is finish her book for her and watch the movie she’s never got to see.

Losing her opened my eyes.  It made me see clearly that in the grand scheme of things hate is nothing.  Its a non-emotion when compared to loss, grief and love.  Hate doesn’t even register.  Hate is a waste of time when you can spend that time loving the people around you before you lose them.  It made me ask the question – why have the people that make you hate in your life?  Why even think about them?  Why?  Hating does nothing… it doesn’t achieve anything… its a useless, stupid emotion.  But love… love changes the world.

I have to keep believing that things happen for a reason – even my hate happened for a reason.  If it wasn’t for my ex and the girls, I would have never found Stocker.  If I hadn’t found Stocker I might not have made it through last year.  Maybe its me just trying to apply reason where there is none.  Have some faith where there was none.  Maybe its how I need to be to cope with all the bad things life throws at you.

I have waited for years for something or someone to get me passed what happened.  I had to lose Maz to realise that the something was perspective and the someone was me all along.  I would rather remember someone great than someone who isn’t.  I’d rather feel loss and pain then hate.

It reminds me love is real.