I am in my seventh month of “remission” for the second time in a row. I parenthesized that because “remission” doesn’t mean “healthy” and that’s important to remember.
It is 24 days until we go away… and I am tired of people saying “your so lucky”. No, I work hard. I work very had. I work long hours. I barely see my partner. I am not “lucky”. Everything in this world has a price – sometimes I guess, other people just don’t see it.
My 8 1/2 year career at my full time employers is now a job. I have trouble getting out of bed (because I have awesome Crohn’s fatigue) because I know where I have to go and spend the rest of the day. Oh how I wish it was just the fact I was looked over for some form of remuneration for all the extra work I used to do for the 7th year in a row. No. Its more the environment now… Its truly, truly bad. But it is also a reminder of why I work so hard. My aim is to just be able to consult one day – granted that is a ways off if we blow almost every cent we have on a holiday. I think, after two years, if we didn’t get away from work and house work and life… I might honestly implode. The tension at work is palpable. It isn’t an enjoyable place to be anymore – and I seem to remember knocking back a job because it was. How things can change in 6 months. How stupid I feel right now. My one shining light is my direct superior. He lightens the day… we talk about coffee and food (my favourite subject) and places we’d like to go… it breaks up the day enough to drag my body back in there the next morning. But he is interstate more often now after the resignation of another staff member…
Stockers job… well… I had this vision in my head that it was the magic fix to all our problems… after all it was 5 years in the making. 5 very long hard years. Its hard on him… he is working long hours as well, says he finally gets my work situation after all this time. I wish I could say that makes me feel good. It doesn’t. Seeing him stressed, tired and upset makes me feel like a troll – because I am the one who has to keep reminding him of where we would have been without his increased wage… and that is not a nice place. For instance… we were eating spaghetti bolognese 4 nights a week and sausages for the other three… I was watering down the spaghetti to make sure it stretched so I could put a little extra money away… I swear to whatever you believe in…. I will never eat spaghetti bolognese again as long as I live. We are both unhappy at work – thats not to say we’re not getting on with it. Like everyone… we made a choice. We chose to buy a house. That has consequences… our life isn’t “our life” anymore. We pawned it to BankWest for 600sqm and a 3 & 2.
I had a weekend mostly off from artwork last weekend. I did some accounts, followed up on things… tied a few things up… so I am wondering why I am still knee deep in unfinished paperwork with 2 clients coming to a house that looks like a nuclear test site on Saturday? My consulting is good and there are those weeks where I could clearly make it without any further assistance from my employer – but there are those weeks where that isn’t the case. As much as I don’t like it some days (most days) I have to rock up and at least look interested so we can get by and plan for
our BankWests future.
In other developments, I am in more physical pain than I have been in for the last 15 years and I did it to myself! About 6 weeks ago, I made a decision, well actually I made a few. But with a possible wedding (not confirmed) in the future and a “family” (his people) trip to Fiji I have decided to do something about the extra weight my GI calls “healthy”. We don’t have scales in the house, so all I can say is I have put on two belt holes of weight due to remission, medication and a general love of food. As my partner keeps insisting, I am not “fat” but my pants are tight and its not a feeling I like. So I decided to start doing something about it. The first big change I made – I stopped drinking carbonated drinks altogether. Not that I ever went overboard – but even two glasses a day, with the amount of sugar, would be adding to the problem. The second thing, I have been the instigator of the nightly walk with the dog – which has turned into a run. Now, I bag Imuran. I bag it a lot. But, it is my understanding that it has given me some mobility back and that is a truly amazing thing. So amazing I have decided to run myself into the ground for an hour every night. What supreme logic I hear you saying. I am probably running about 1 – 1 1/2km out of about a 4km circuit a night. So I am not the fittest person in the world but I am leagues over where I was 6 weeks ago when I couldn’t even jog to the end of the street without almost having a heart attack. I am using this hour as my break. Its the time in between my jobs where we talk about our day (well I usually yell and swear about mine and he nods in both perfect understanding and agreement) and other just random stuff. So I am out, every night in the cold, regardless of how tired I am or how much work I have on – and I am proud. I realise it means I can do less work in the evenings… but I am getting both a break between works and some much needed exercise which is helping with my fatigue. In effect I am breaking the fatigue cycle – but damn its painful! Hah.
I volunteered at another Liberal Party thing a few weeks back and I got a taste of what its like and what it takes to be an activist. Yep, I got abused for everything from climate change to main roads – the funny thing is I am not even in their electorate. When the abuse started, I slapped on a Sookie Stackhouse smile and just started planing our entire menu for when we are away (no really I did). Am I cut out for it? Maybe? I am still keeping my options open… even if it does mean an extra 1/2 job. I still don’t know where the future will lead me, politics, marketing or artwork. All I do know is that I am keen on all three outcomes and I am not afraid to give my time up for free now to open up possibilities later. Big picture blah blah blah.
Of course all this has put a large hole in my already pretty much non-existent social life. I guess I am just hoping people understand that for now, while I can do all these things, I need to, because who knows whats just around the corner? I have a new artwork scheduling system for when I get home which will hopefully take some of the pressure off.
Well that gets you up-to-date with the last few weeks. Hopefully I will be able to post a few more times in the lead up to going away… I don’t plan on having internet access so I can stay away from work….