My name is Amanda – and I’m addicted to food. Oh, and I have a chronic digestive disease that tries to kill me every so often.
I really wanted to start off this post by blaming everything but myself for the situation I’m in. I really did. I even thought about what I would say. But here’s the hard truth.
I’m about 15kgs overweigh. And there is no one to blame for that, but myself.
Sure, there are a lot of contributing factors – like medication and time constraints. But here it is, black and white… the reality is this problem is due to my bad decisions.
Back in 2012, before I was married, I was on some ungodly dose of Prednisolone – I can’t even remember the number now – something in the vicinity of 100mg daily (step down after 4 weeks). That was about 10 times the weight-gainer to what I’ve just stopped taking – and I managed to keep my weight at a decent 58kgs. This is the very reason that I’m reiterating I have no excuses now.
So I’m back on the 800-1000 calorie a day meal plan (don’t panic it’s dietician “approved”), and I want to kill someone. I have headaches, shakes… I feel sick… I’m like a junkie coming off a bender. And to be honest – that’s a pretty apt description. I can’t even fathom putting the 500 calorie a day burn back in right now – that’s going to need a bit more time.
This whole change I talked about in my last few posts – part of that change has been accepting responsibility for things.
That might sound stupid. But it’s been really important. Sure all that stuff really happened to me – but dragging it around and bringing it up every time I need to get blame shifted – that’s unhealthy.
I have started processing all of these things, and bit by bit, I’m moving on. So the things in my past have no hold on me – and they certainly don’t effect my judgement or decisions.
Right now – I’m behind the wheel of what I put in my body. I decide how active I am. It doesn’t matter if I’m working late or my joints feel like they are on fire… I can always make a better decision, a decision that’s going to set me up for success. And – I’ve not been doing that. I’ve been “too busy” to cook properly and prepare meals. I’ve been “too sick” to exercise – and it’s such a cop out. It really is. This is my fault and I’m taking responsibility for it. I fucked up – and now I have to deal with the consequences.
I’m going to try and give a weekly update with all my successes and failures, as a reminder to myself of how hard I had to work to correct 12 months of thoughtlessness. And because I am legitimately a “food addict” there is a possibility I will get myself into this situation again in the future… right now though – I’m looking at my snowboarding pants (that are only 2-seasons old) and wondering how the hell I’m going to get them on come December.
I can feel the eye rolls from this side of the screen! What a vapid catalyst, people must think? Does it matter? It’s a catalyst… it doesn’t need to make sense or be a big thing – it just needs to be a thing… a $300 thing…
Right now I’m wishing there was an “easy way out” where I could still have a bread roll at lunch and the occasional slice of Banana bread on the weekends… but I know from experience there are no loopholes, no fast tracks, no “easy way out”. There is just better decisions and hard work.
At the moment though, I’m just wishing these withdrawals away – but the only way is through, so I guess I’ll see everyone on the other side….