So here I am… on a Tuesday, middle of the day… at home. Am I sick? No – well kinda, but that’s a longer story.

No, I am officially unemployed for the first time in my adult life. I shouldn’t say that. I am actually self employed… but I think that’s just semantics at this point.

What happened? Well it seems that the universe wasn’t quite done with me after last year. I wasn’t done learning the lesson I needed to learn. So I’m here – totally open to the information I’m meant to receive – I’m just not sure what it is.

After 14 long years with one employer – I refer to them as FTJ throughout my stories… I left to go to what I thought was a pretty dreamy job. I needed convincing – they courted me… called me… they sold that job… and I bought it, hook, line and sinker. I’m not going to name companies – just like I never mentioned the real name of FTJ. It was going to be a big change – change in industries… products… everything.

I signed the paperwork for the job – and just like that, the person who hired me changed. The first inkling I go that it was all wrong was at an uniform fitting. The woman who had offered me the job had changed from caring and understanding to hardline. I came home a little stunned but thought it might be because it had been a long day… for both of us.

On my first day the job I walked into – was nothing like the one I signed for. It was confused… I didn’t speak the right way… I was too loud… and the work load…. wow. I took this job so I could step away from my freelance job and work a set amount of hours a week… within an hour, I learned that was not the expectation – and I wondered why I had been told something completely different during the interview.

Oh… it gets better. I was already feeling uneasy – but I was trying to deal with it… on day 3 I decided to take a shortcut to avoid some traffic (I just want to point out I was NO RISK of being even slightly late… I don’t know why I decided on this route). On the way to work – I collided with a motorcyclist, which wrote off both of our vehicles.

By this stage – I knew everything was off…. but for some silly reason, I persevered. I thought “I can power through this”. The next Monday rolled around – I’d had a bad week but I was taking control with the help from anti-anxiety medication. I walked into a meeting and I was called ugly. To my face. Well, about my face…

Monday and Tuesday, completely off-guard by what happened – I returned home in tears. I was very distressed… it was becoming clearer and clearer that I couldn’t make it work in that work place. On Wednesday we met to discuss the job – and the fact it wasn’t the one I signed the letter of offer for. I was rudely rebutted and then offered some time to go and think about it. That evening I was told I needed to present a doctors certificate for the day of my car accident and the three days I was told to take. I’m pretty sure that was the last straw.

I quit.

I didn’t leave one job to be torn down in new and exciting ways at a different post code… It was not culture shock – it was just… shock. I found out that there had been 5 Marketing Managers inside 4 years… this information wasn’t available to me until I opened my new top draw and found all of their old business cards… one after the other… I found out about staff turnover which was never public in my research – I have a feeling it was part of non-disclosure contract I signed… they would have signed one the same – that protects the brand. But who protects the people who leave their lives behind for a job there?

I’m sitting here feeling like a failure – but then my head drifts back to what happened and I have to ask myself, am I a failure? I know they will find someone for that job – but that someone was never me, and I think they knew that – but offered to me anyway saying I was perfect the way I was and that they would never dream of changing me. In the first week – I was pushed to change. In the second week I was told my appearance had to change. No. See here’s the thing. If you hired me for my skills, then it should be my skills that you wanted – not someone who can contour like an Instagram Pro…

So I’m job hunting again – with the support of a few fantastic freelance clients who have gone out of their way to make sure we can still put food on the table in the meantime. I am having some pretty dark thoughts. You know the ones “what if I never get another job”, those ones… everyone around me thinks I’m being ridiculous… but am I?

I sucked up my pride and went back to FTJ to do a handover. Which was fine… until I saw my replacements letter of offer and package which he’d left in plain sight on my old desk. It was a lot more money than I was ever offered and yeah, if you want me to be honest, I was butt hurt. Then I thought about it… all the really hard times where I was run into the ground… even if they offered me the same package, would I go back? See that’s a question I can’t answer. There were a lot of things about that job that were hurtful… but no one ever attacked my appearance.

I’m pretty lost at the moment – I’m suffering from some pretty heavy, can’t get out of bed, depression. I need to try and break the cycle but it’s hard…

I’m very aware that some great things came out of this situation… I cut the cord with FTJ so the only way for me now is forward. I can’t go back. I did get a new car (in a not so nice way) which had been needing to happen for quite a while and the trade-in amount would not have equalled the write-off amount… My good clients rallied around me and have started pulling me out of the fire – while in some other cases I’ve seen some “true colours” of others and cut the cord with them. I’m alive. For the most part I’m well. And I am being seen – I’ve already had a few interviews, just nothing that has ended in an offer.

This isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a plot twist that none of us saw coming… but maybe we should have? I keep thinking I just missed the signs… I keep wanting to believe that this run of events is just steering me toward a better destination.

I do know that I’m no longer chasing the title or the dollars… I’m chasing a place where I can go and for the most part be a professional version of myself. It would be really good if this place had good coffee and easy access to nice lunch establishments. Haha.

I was hoping writing this, even if just for myself would help to get some of the negativity out of my head… I don’t want to live like that anymore. I look at people who do… and it’s not me so I wonder why it’s my “go to” position. Are we starving on the street? No. Is there any risk of that? Not imminently. So some of the things that have happened may not look good from the outset… but I’m trying really hard to look past that.

I suppose all I can really do is say…. PLOT TWIST…..

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