Medication. It’s pretty much how I set my clock. I take a bunch in the morning, a bunch at night and it fluctuates depending on how sick I am.

Right now I’m taking a new medication to try and regulate my heart rate – which admittedly has been totally out of control.

It’s taken me a long time to admit that my heart issues are, well, an issue. Why? Because it’s kind of like admitting defeat. It’s like admitting that FTJ has helped destroy my body because of stress and upset to the point I need medication to even it out. But let’s be real. It was this place that made me turn to Valium in the first place… so I suppose my whole concern is moot. I’ve had problems with the place so severe that I’ve needed to me medicated to make it through the day for at least 4 years.

My best friend has seen me unravelling and he hates what I do to myself just to bring home a pay check. I think what’s truely worse is I don’t see anyone else doing it to themselves – and they’re all “healthy”.

Why me? That same best friend has a theory on that. He says I let it get to this point  – this situations is as bad as this because I allowed it to happen. And I suppose he’s right.

But – when he’s saying all this, he doesn’t see the “weird” things that go on here… like a 60kg (ok 65kg – it’s been a long 6 weeks that’s included more chocolate that what is appropriate) woman who has chronic health concerns including migraines, arthritis, Crohn’s Disease, Sweet’s Syndrome and WPW (with a racing heart) being forced to pack a 2 tonne pallet of shelving single handedly in the 95% humidity of a Gold Coast summer. Cause that’s right and normal. But there are other things, like the fact I’m “not allowed” to talk to the man who employed me anymore… that I get screamed at for not being “up” on projects I’ve had no involvement in… the fact I’m expected to work some stupid amount of unpaid overtime over something that was outside my control….. the list goes on and on.

I digress into the pit of black rage I feel for my FTJ at the moment. Back on topic. So the new guy, it’s a Beta Blocker which the hospital hopes will keep me stable until (yeah, again I have no idea what he is called here) heart-zapping-guy has his department running smoothly. They’re forecasting May. Clearly there is an issue when I’m sitting dead still and my heart rate is up around the 135bpm mark. What I probably should have let on is that it’s been that way for about a year, far earlier than I let anyone believe. After I went back and looked through my heart rate records from my Fit Bit Serge I can almost pinpoint the week it started… just before FTJ catalogue went to press…. But sssshhhhh, I’m not allowed to even hint that they were any way responsible for any of my health problems. They are. In a big way. They just don’t want to cop to liability thinking that I actually cared enough about the place to sue them… Oh please.  I just want to move on – that’s all. No law suits, no nastiness – I just want to finish my house, then move away. Far away.

When I’m having an “episode” – basically when my heart misfires, my heart rate jumps up to anything between 160-200bpm. It’s sudden and scary. It makes me feel sick and kinda like I’m going pass out – which is a little bit of a concern seeing as I’m behind the wheel far more than I was 6 months ago… I wonder if it will help me get out of the speeding ticket I got today? Haha wishful thinking.

Anyhow – I’m on half a pill morning and night. Is it working…? Well I’m going to have to say yes to that one given I haven’t cracked 90bpm when resting since I started taking the pills… but it’s weird, it’s like I can feel it regulating my heart… the first few days were like I’d been kicked in the chest – repeatedly. I felt so poorly I could make it from the bed to the couch then back to the bed on Saturday – that was my whole day. It’s frustrating loosing weekends like I have been – but I’m trying to keep my eyes on the prize…. the sooner I take care of all this periphery stuff – the sooner I can get out of here.

While we were away (in Canada) we managed to catch up briefly with some of Stockers old work mates… something really resonated with me. They called their former working environment an “abusive relationship” and that sums up where I am perfectly. I’m in an abusive relationship with my employer. They also assured me that it’s not the norm. They both have the most wonderful jobs now – where people are kind to each other, they’re appreciated… they’re paid for the work they do… Things I honestly know nothing about. The thing that particularly interested me was they both agreed their health and improved drastically since moving jobs. It’s given me hope. It goes with the whole “abusive relationship” thing that they try to make you think you can’t do better – well I’ve just seen people who have – and who have excelled.

I HATE the amount of medication I’m on at any one time – the side effects blow… I feel like I’m poisoning myself to try and make myself better. It kinda adds to the feeling of crazy…. Let’s hope heart-zappy-guy get’s his shit together quickly… things to do… places to be.