I kinda gave it away in the title didn’t I?
I had my head CT last week and got the results – there is no tumour or growth pressing on anything which is a relief – because historically Christmas time is when I tend to land myself in hospital, historically speaking. It’s not a big deal to me – we’re not religious so we don’t really celebrate Christmas and it’s not all that exciting because we don’t have kids…. However, my family is really into the “other” part of Christmas, you know the overly commercial, retail orientated, SPEND SPEND SPEND Christmas – so it’s literally an affront not to turn up and be “festive”. All that makes me withdraw from the whole thing that little bit more. My mother is so blinded by the season – when I got my surgery date last year, she thought I was lying because, and I quote “hospitals don’t do surgery over Christmas!”. To which I promptly replied “No mum, of course they don’t. People don’t get sick over Christmas, they don’t have accidents – in fact the hospitals totally close over Christmas because the magical Christmas elves make everything ok”. What was I meant to say to that? I had over $30k worth of surgery for free…. being in hospital over the Christmas period – which I don’t really subscribe to, is a very small price to pay.
I digress. The results did show a “darker than normal” area which might require further investigation. But wait – there was more good to come out of all this. I was finally able to back my GP into a corner and look at the thing that was actually wrong with me, rather than the elephant in the room (my Crohn’s) and after the longest time I was prescribed a new preventative migraine drug in the hopes I would stop loosing days of my life to them.
Why have they got worse? Why have they changed – I suppose that’s what the further investigation will be about. I need to take my results to the hospital so the IBD doctors can look at it. That sounds ridiculous, but because they’re used to dealing with the underlying illness – they see more clearly that we’re suffering in other areas and can help us accordingly.
My review is next week – while I did get a good report after my scope – I still have some trepidation going in… what if the biopsies picked something up? What if my last lot of bloodwork showed signs of recurrence? What then? …. what if I’m well? What THEN?
I’m not sure how to be “well”. What does that look like? What do I do differently? Will it make me feel differently about things?
It’s such a strange place to be in… where you’re kinda not sure what’s next either way? Normal people probably rolled their eyes at my comments on not knowing how to be well – but you think about it. You’ve spend all your life sick and scared – how do you be something other than that?