So, the big question – why was I so upset yesterday that my post didn’t make sense?
I would put some of that down to the funny fever I was running – but some of it is really pent up anger – directed towards a lot of people and things. Put that together with the fever and the one nights sleep in 7 and you get what I am now. This morning I have woken up (actually really only applicable if I slept – which I didn’t) sans the fever for the first time in a few days – so I am a little more logical and a tad more loquacious.
My biggest problem is how unfairly I’ve been treated at my FTJ. I am the only one here (that I know of anyway) with a chronic illness, I have the largest, busiest role, I have perhaps the most expected from me – and I get treated with the least respect. I have probably considered resigning the most I have in my entire adult life in the last 3 months. Not to go to another higher paying job this time, no, just to go on a sickness pension. Yes, I’m serious, this place has made me want to take “the easy way out”. In fact, lately they have been making me see it as the only way out. Would I qualify? I think so. My condition is unstable and they are using fun words like “aggressive” and “treatment resistant” in the same sentence with it. Let me put it into perspective… this is mainly just for someone with a digestive condition – so people with other chronic illness or normals reading this – you might have to put your IBD hat on for 5 minutes. I was given a “talking to” because I was averaging 5-10 minutes late for work just before my last set of reviews where my team discovered that I was again, quite ill. I was late because I couldn’t get off the toilet – and because mornings seem to be my worst time…. I have ALWAYS worked through my lunch – so the company is still 40 minutes ahead on the time sheet. After that – I just sat and shook my head… They promote all this understanding, and here I am chronically ill with a digestive condition, working at least 5 extra contact hours a week but missing the first 10 minutes of the day and getting a “talking to” over it? Here’s a news flash FTJ, I knock out more pain in the morning between the hours of 6:30am and 7:45am than the other staff experience in an entire calendar year…. but please don’t show me any understanding.
We have two bathrooms at work to service 17 people (8 women, 9 men) – before our renovations it was one male and one female… since then the bathroom situation has been surveyed… All the managers were asked, but the person with a Chronic digestive condition was left out of the discussion – awesome. So, one person expressed there was no need for a third toilet to be added – so consequently the two we have were made unisex… and the person to make this call is now the one to complain the loudest about the state of the bathrooms… Let me just put it out there for you – having a building full of people and 2 unisex toilets is like, a bad dream (not quite a nightmare – a nightmare would be having one of those “can’t wait” moments with them both occupied or only having one bathroom). Its a horrific feeling not being able to leave the stall with people banging on the door outside – yes it happens, and yes its like having my disease on display, but no one caring.
Probably the feather in the cap of the last few months is my latest fun bout of the flu which descended into a lung infection over the weekend. My partner is pretty on top of my health when I get to this point, he monitored that my fever wasn’t running too high. This is the problem right now – which I tried to explain to no avail. I am taking a corticosteroid who’s job it is to beat (literally flog) my Crohn’s back into remission. It does not mesh well with infection. It fuels it almost… but reaching the 7 day mark yesterday, and knowing the Crohn’s consequences, I can no longer pull myself off the Prednisone as a snap decision. My joints are acing so badly I’m in agony, my vision is so blurred I am struggling to see even with my uber-perscription glasses on, I’m so tired I could sleep for a week but I can’t seem to get any rest – and yes, I feel like I really want to just kill someone. I have a few good volunteers at the moment – the hardest decision would be which one to take out. People at my FTJ are taking time off for everything from having a sore neck to being depressed… and here I am… sicker than a dog, dragging myself in every morning (and defiantly before 8am – God forbid I am even 5 minutes late) working long days, drugged to the eye balls and actively chronically ill. I am finding it so hard to slap that stupid “I’m a marketer and I’m positive about EVERYTHING” smile on my face right now. Its taking everything I have not to sport the “I’m getting taken advantage of and its making me want to stab you in the eye socket with a lead pencil” look.
My FTJ promotes themselves as a caring workplace – they seem to care about everyone but me. Shouldn’t I have the option to work from home? Shouldn’t I be getting a bit more understanding (even the normal amount of understanding that everyone else gets would be fine)? This feeling – it really is killing me. All the expectation but no understanding – no one even asks how I am? Its like – because I’m not one of the pretty girls no one cares about me? I don’t think they see that I’m spending all our money on medication and trials, special diets and things to just keep me going, so I can’t spend money on my makeup, or my hair or nails or clothes… I don’t think one person here would believe how badly I just want to spend just one weekend like a normal 20-something year old woman. Getting my hair done at a salon, buying some new clothes (hell – even a few new bra’s at the moment would make me happy), perhaps even just going out to a lazy weekend lunch? I just want to have a few moments that are mine – that I feel normal in. A few moments that I can spend time and money on myself… where I can feel like one of the pretty ones and like I’m wroth spending the time/money on. Is any of that logical? Look, I know its not. But I feel like because I can’t carry myself like I used to, I don’t get the same treatment I used to demand. I feel so sick – I look sick and I can’t seem to be anything else right now….
I’m angry, I’m hurt… I’m tired and I feel as ugly as all hell. I am wondering what I’m doing here? Is this job worth my health when I’m sick enough to go on a pension? Are these people worth my self esteem? How do I get it back? How do I go back to feeling like the powerful confident person I used to be? Is this my disease or is it something everything goes through?
I need some help – I need someone to hold my hand and lead me through the next few months, or I’m worried I won’t make it.