Old wounds

Tonight I was checking out my good friends holiday pictures on Facebook.  I noticed he finally added a profile image…. and there she was… It was so real I felt like I could talk to her through the screen… I know I can’t though.

Its been 18 months since Maz passed… and I am still finding it really hard… just talking about her and what an amazing person she was… I start crying… I’m crying now writing this.  I miss her so badly, but now half as badly as Ross would, as he does.  I know its eating at him… I know it was eating at him before he left on his adventure.

He made excuses for his seemingly depressed mood just before he left on the biggest adventure I’ve ever heard of.  I knew then that his mind had been on her more… thinking how much she should be doing it with him.  I don’t disagree… She should still be here… I’d give anything to have her back, brightening our lives… There was this stupid competition on TV where they told you to email in what your “power” would be if you had one… I knew instantly, that if I could do only one thing, I would bring her back.  I would gladly stay sick forever, go through 100 surgeries… work forever… struggle forever, lose my bowel, my dignity, my independence,  if I could just talk with her one more time.  I don’t want the normal things that normal people want… I suppose I’ve never really been the picture of normal and I’m not ashamed of that.  I’m not ashamed of that, because Maz taught me not to be.

He admitted when he got home that his mind was on her a lot – that he was indeed thinking she should have been there having that adventure.  All I could come up with to say was… “yeah, but she would have been so disappointed in you if you didn’t go”.  And while it was the truth… it was a hard truth.

I think a lot of his ailments are connected to losing her.  Sometimes I almost feel cruel willing him to stay here with all of us… but I can’t let him go… He’s not my best friend, he’s become my family and quite frankly, I don’t know what would have become of me without him the last year.  I have had a lot of challenges and every step, he’s been there… he’s dropped everything to come and watch me sob for an hour.  Who does that?  He is the best person I know… the impression he made on me, is the best part of me… well, it shares the best part with the bit his wife touched.

I think, when you first experience grief this strong, your told by everyone around you that it will pass given enough time.  I think now that’s bullshit.  I think some people have this profound effect on you, and the wound they leave when the pass never closes completely.  Silly things like a familiar joke or a seemingly innocuous photo seem to open that wound back up…

The strange thing is, I want to tell the world what a beautiful and amazing person she is, but every time I try it just slams home the person we all lost that afternoon.  It always ends the same way, me welling up with tears and having to change the subject to keep it together.

As the wedding gets closer and closer I seem to be feeling her absence more and more.  She should have been having the adventure of a lifetime with Ross… she should be in New Zealand watching as we fumble our words trying to make speeches and placate squabbling family – all the while complaining about the cold.  She should be sitting out the back reading her book every time we walk in…

I miss her so much right now… and I can’t stand the thought of losing Ross too… I realise that sounds blatantly selfish… but I feel like if he was to just surrender to it and go… another big chunk of “me” would disappear with him…

Now I think I know – regardless of how far I think I’ve come through the grieving process, I’ll always be right here… that one step before acceptance.

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