Under 59 and feeling fine.

Okay – so feeling “fine” is an exaggeration. Lets say, feeling better.

People close to me have probably been aware of the struggle I’ve had with my weight since starting the Crohn’s medication. For those of you who don’t know, prior to being medicated I had never weighed over 60kgs in my life…. no not once. I am probably happiest around the 55kg mark – because I am a short arse… Well in the last few years my weight went over the 60kg mark… way over. I stopped weighing myself at 65kgs, but I think I got as high as 67-68kgs. I know that is not hideously “fat” but for my height, it did put me in the overweight category… when I found that out – I was shattered. I suppose when you are dealing with other issues, you don’t notice your weight getting out of hand. Then it’s a vicious cycle… your appearance (my weight and skin) makes you feel physically worse – even though they are not really contributing factors.

So there I am, about 12kgs over weight with a beach holiday coming up and a wedding in August… just then was when my self esteem hit an all time low… Finally, after 18 months of ignoring my ballooning figure – I did something about it. In the two months leading up to Fiji I got myself down to 60kgs. 7kgs doesn’t sound like THAT much – but trust me it feels like 100. All my pants are starting to fall off rather than being tight, I feel like I am literally bouncing everywhere like a gay kangaroo and I looked in the mirror the other day and I wasn’t repulsed…

Since being back from Fiji I have got my weight down to 58.5kgs… ideally I’d like to lose another 3.5kgs before the wedding – but I’ll be honest – even if I didn’t lose another gram – I am about 1000 happier than I was 3 months back.

My skin – well its a sticky situation. I got back from Fiji and I was like… a normal person. I would go as far as to say I looked good. Since then, my rashes have returned – not to the extent, but they are back. I am starting to think that they are bought on, in some small way, by stress – which there has been no shortage of lately. I am going to keep working on it – trying new things… perhaps I will come across the recipe that made it look so good while I was away?

I mentioned stress? Yeah… again its kindly brought to you by my full time employer with an abusive freelance client on the side (just for good measure). My full time job has me doing the work of a team of 3 single handedly… and I am just about at the end of my rope. Actually no, I think I reached the end a few weeks ago.  Now I feel like I dangling from the side of a precipice hanging onto the rope by a hangnail.  It mystifies me how you can drop everything to help other people in their time of need, but never have the favour returned when you are sobbing quietly in the corner because you don’t know where to start working let alone getting to the point of actually “finishing” a job.   Things will get better when Manager J returns from WA… but the “better” wont last for long as his next trip is already planned and booked.  So not only will I be snowed under… but I’ll be snowed under and alone which is when everyone else at my workplace seems to be the least understanding and the most cruel.

My contrast MRI is approaching – I need to call Gold Coast imaging to make sure I can take my Temazepam before going in… if I can’t its going to get pretty messy… I get very anxious in tight spaces – to the point I had an anxiety attack on the plane on the way back from Fiji. Thankfully I handled it pretty well and the only person who knew I was having a freak out was my partner. I am nervous about the results – because they will more or less dictate when I will have surgery. I am apprehensive because if I am bad – it could mean going in before the wedding… in which case, I don’t know how I will be for our trip… I suppose in the grand scheme of things my health is more important – I just wish I had some control over my life back – if you get what I mean.

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