Saying what you mean…

I am sitting here writing this fresh after a fight with my partner – we have been fighting a lot lately…

I have to think some of it is wedding induced.  I am not 100% convinced that he wants to get married… even after he was the one that initiated it.  Which is fine, but rather than being a complete arsehole – it would be nice if he just told me that, you know?  I think he is expecting I would lose my shit… I would be upset sure, I decided long ago that he was the person that I wanted to grow old with… But lets be frank, I have done much harder things in my life than simply move on… Perhaps its just the fact we are fighting I am seeing things that way – I don’t know.  I know better than to act when I am emotional – in the past it has always resulted in bad decisions.

What I will say is I am getting really tired of his “faultless” attitude.  Every time we get into an argument he just see’s himself as faultless – even when he starts it or I call him out for speaking to me disrespectfully (which after my last relationship – I won’t tolerate).  Faultless.  Well, he’s not.  And sure – neither am I.  I have the potential and history to be a right bitch… when I am though, I admit to it and apologise and thats the big difference here.  He is never sorry for ANYTHING – it’s always put back on me, that I’m too emotional or take things the wrong way….

Today’s argument was inspired by recent events – namely a dinner at his peoples place last night… A bit of back story, I am trying to lose some weight… don’t get me wrong I am not hideously overweight or anything, but I am heavier than I would like and its a lot harder to move weight than it was before I found out about my Crohn’s.  The medication and the diet make controlling calories and losing weight more difficult than before – not impossible… just difficult.  So… when you cut out the things that I normally can’t eat along with pasta, rice and bread in the evenings you are left with a very short list… but that’s where I’m at.  Its pretty embarrassing normally and you feel like a burden when you tell people the “foods I defiantly can’t eat” list… but a remark (actually a few) last night cut me really deeply.  We had a planned meal – I am pretty much limiting myself to just a serve of meat and vegetables in the evening… boring I know, but it has been working… I have lost half a kilo (it doesn’t sound like much – but with the medication I am taking its still a win).  Anyway – yes a meal planned for last night – roast with vegetables.  Cool – no drama’s, sounds good.  We get there and its curry and rice.  I was pretty upset – because I have been working so hard this last week and I was going to watch it all go out the window in one meal.  I declined the rice and was met with the comment from his mother “well, I didn’t know what too make, you are too hard to cater for”… this is why I wanted to stay home.  It’s embarrassing enough that I can’t eat like a normal person, to have it pointed out in those terms in a room full of people made me really upset – but I didn’t say anything of course.  The curry itself didn’t sit real well with me – but if I haven’t eaten something before its imposable to figure out how it will effect me… that was no ones fault… and I DARE not bring it up…  There was a few other discussions about the wedding and “how ridiculous” it was going to look with 6 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids… I fail to see how its anyone elses business.  Naturally, both these comments were passed when Stocker was out of the room – so he doesn’t believe they were actually said… nice.

Today we got onto the subject of my eating…. and my decision to just not go out to dinner if I don’t think I will be able to find suitable to eat… he arched up saying that made him look and fell bad… I never think he takes the 3 seconds to consider what a sub human I feel like in these situations – but anyway.  It got to the point in the supermarket where I asked “tell me what haven’t I been to lately” he pointed out a family dinner at a Chinese restaurant… that day I was incredibly sick with migraines… THAT’S why I didn’t go… I was going to go through the embarrassment of getting food from another place to attend this evening (Chinese food has started a flare up every time I have eaten it in the last 3 years).  I was furious.  I remember clearly saying “F*ck you – I’m done” in the middle of the shopping centre and storming out to wait by the car.

He followed me and sheepishly said “I know you were genuinely sick… but you asked”.  How could you be so socially retarded… seriously?  I have never EVER skipped out on one of his peoples dinners – no matter how embarrassed I feel – on purpose.  I get sick, welcome to my f*cking world!  He said it like I almost enjoyed being sick….

It’s like this – a lot of my life, particularly my life around both of our families is taken up by me being embarrassed and feeling like half a person because of my illness.  I can’t eat everything a normal person would eat – is there really a need to point that out to everyone and make me feel even worse about myself?  To the point – sometimes its said like… I actually like having Crohn’s…. Seriously – if that’s your attitude – you can just f*ck right off.  I would love nothing more than to be fixed…. to be able to eat and do all the things I used to do…. I am coping with the disease much better now… but I still have those days where I am afraid to leave the house (be more than 1m from a bathroom)… my life has changed – I am not complaining (anymore – I know I did for a long while) about the change… I am complaining about other peoples attitudes to my illness and to me.  I can’t live my old life… I have made a lot of changes to stop the bowel obstructions and reduce the flare ups… I know my diet might be a bit of an inconvenience, saying that I am happy to stay home an eat safe foods… what I don’t need is my partner making me feel like half a partner to him and his people making me feel like a hassle… I am right in the f*cking middle when I just want to go about my business….

He says I take things too personally?  Sometimes I know I do – this isn’t one of those times.  You can’t f*ck around with my eating… because the consequences could land me in hospital.  Its not a funny joke and I don’t expect other people to understand… I also don’t expect them to beraid me in public – just leave me alone…. I feel like he has stopped taking my illness seriously… and it upsets me.  He, himself was sat down at my specialists and told that I could die from a bowel perforation brought on by my disease… but now he doesn’t take the time he used to to look at me and my situation.

Today has made me realise he is just another person who will never understand what I go through… but whats upsetting me is he isn’t even trying anymore.


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