I have many times (some times many times per day) where I feel like Forrst Gump. You know the kid that just doesn’t get it. I am finding that I am feeling like that particularly at work at the moment.
I have very few days where I have come home from a run with the dog, sat down and said “I’m not done yet”, got back up and headed out the door. I have certainly never done it twice, until today.
The workings of my body fail me at the best of times… I sure as shit don’t understand what’s going on with it at the moment… We have been running consistently for a few weeks now and each night I push myself a little bit further. Yes, that’s right kids, the voices in my head are my very own Personal Trainer. Why fork out $100 of dollars when that little person living inside your brain can scream louder than any real person? Tonight I came back, sat down, had a few mouthfuls of water, got back up, got the torch and proceeded to run another kilometer and a half. I came back the second time had a mouthful of water, got the torch and my iPhone (with freshly loaded “Future Starts Slow” goodness ) and ran another 3km (yes there was periods of walking there – I am not a superhero, yet). Stocker was thinking “what the fuck” after the first time, he had decided I am clearly crazy when I did it again. I am not sure why its taken him quite this long to figure out I am not “normal”, but we’ll run with it.
I sat on the couch and.. quite simply, I wasn’t done. So yes, I am in pain, but its muscle pain for the first time in a lot of years rather than joint pain. My joint pain is now relegated to (constant) light throbbing in my lower back (where many years ago a Lumber Puncher was done very very wrong at a nameless private hospital) and my right hand – which at last count, I had shattered 3 times (and yes – one of those times, I knew what I was doing so you could say it was on purpose – I had anger management problems as a teenager, who knew?). Before I started the Imuran, I had widespread joint pain since about the age of 14. My wrists, my elbows, my knees, my feet… pretty much everywhere I had a joint made me feel like I wanted to cut it out. Celebrex was my fairly constant friend over those years – until the doctors took it away. I was 19 when my doctor stopped proscribing it. I stopped bowling as much, my life changed a lot and still few people know its because I was cut off. I wasn’t very up front about the problems or the treatment I suppose its only now over the last few years I have talked about it more. The people I bowled with all thought it was money that stopped me… when in reality it was more my body. In 2009 I started bowling again (thanks to a doctor who was happy to proscribe me a different anti-inflammatory), but that was cut short by my eventual Crohn’s diagnosis in 2010.
I suppose, this is the first time I have felt physically strong (still fatigued – but physically strong) in the last… well, I can’t even tell you. I am not sure I ever felt like this…. So that makes me a bit (more) angry at my GP who continually missed the Crohn’s. I would love to go back to High School, just for one day and be able to run a cross country… or even just a silly running race. I couldn’t give a flying fuck if I came last – I would have just liked to have been able to do it. To think that all these years, this was holding me back. To think of some of the things I gave up that I never had to, to think of some of the things I had to do to get by…. well… it makes me sad.
That is not to say that I am not happy I can do them now… I just think my self confidence suffered some big blows back then, which didn’t help in the years to come. Although, it really did help with my sarcasm… and even though not everyone things its a skill, well, everyone isn’t important.
I know I am still going to get sick, and have periods where I can’t be as active – regardless, I have made two achievable goals. 1) I want to be able to run the entire 3km (up both hills) without breaking into a walk by the end of the year (Stocker keeps saying t the rate I am going it will be by the end of the month – its nice he is that confident, but I think that’s a little over zealous). And 2) I want to be wearing the wedding dress that I want and not be held back by the few kgs and the fluid retention and all the other bullshit that has come with my first year with Crohns. Sure that’s fickle and whatever else you want to put it down to… but its my goal.
Work still sucks – but not even the crap that goes down there can wipe the smile of my face. The smile that says “in two more weeks – I am out of here for 3, and I am really not going to miss any of this… nope not even for a second… wait… nope… sorry, not at all”. I know with some certainty that I can make it through whatever the next 14 days has to throw at me without quitting or opening my mouth which will intern get me very very fired. When I get back I am sure I will have enough “I don’t care” to get me through to Christmas… when the “I don’t care” resets for another few months.
I suppose the last few weeks is one of my first physical rays of light. Its made me realise that it was Crohn’s all this time holding me back… and without the right treatment, there was nothing I could do. Now there is something I can do and I am doing.
I will not lay down. I will not go quietly. This is my life, and I will be damned if I let you run it anymore.