I life I have 5 big fears. 1) I am afraid of needles. 2) I am afraid of spiders. 3) I am afraid of sharks. 4) I am afraid of flying. 5) I am afraid of dying before I get the chance to to the people I love they are important.
#1 Well – I have been stuck with so many things… in so many places – that that fear is now dead and buried. I mean, I still get a bit apprehensive (who doesn’t) but I don’t go out of my way to avoid needles or injections anymore – I just tell whoever is giving it to me I don’t like ’em. They usually go “no shit”.
#2 & #3 Summer has put a real dent in number 2 for me . She will literally climb a wall to catch and methodically tear limbs from spiders before leaving a wiggling torso on the ground. We don’t have spiders in the house anymore. Number 3 is just illogical. I mean… I don’t really go to the beach… we holiday in the snow… my chances of even seeing a shark unless its on an Attenborough special are extremely low.
#4 So we come to number 4. I have had a long standing fear and hatred for flying – it gives me anxiety attacks, I think is pretty much the only thing now days that does – well… it used to. A few weeks back I agreed to something I would have never done a year ago. I agreed to go flying with a good friend of mine DG. I trust DG – very much… but flying… I don’t think I trust the physical act if that’s possible. Anyway, on Saturday I went up in a small (extremely small – like half the size I was expecting) light plane. And… I actually enjoyed myself… Okay so, I still worked myself up a little while DG did “secret pilot stuff” including measuring the fuel int he planes tanks with a stick (that was pretty much the peak of my panic). 12 months ago I had trouble getting on a commercial liner – yesterday I got in a plan that nearly saw me sitting on DG’s lap. I think this event, more than anything else, has been an indication on how far I have come as a person. I don’t perceive fear like I used to. I don’t fear like I used to… I would say that’s one of the good things that’s happened. With the good there is always the bad… I have lost touch with a lot of the empathy I had. Its not that I don’t care – its more, now I rate thing in my head according to seriousness…. I suppose because I have an idea of what “serious” is now… some things and events don’t rate a mention to me anymore… And I feel a little bit bad about it… but I can’t seem to reconnect with that part of me. Maybe there is a reason for that? Maybe that’s a part of me hardening up?
Anyway – I owe DG a big thank you. That was a once in a lifetime experience. I lay in bed last night just thinking about it… thinking about the noises, the bumps, the tiny little towns and the fluffy fluffy little clouds…. I am very luck to have had the experience… because I got a lot out of it.
As for #5…. I don’t think that will ever be too far from the front of my mind now… I can’t escape the fact that I am a time bomb. I don’t know when I will flare next, I don’t know if it will cause a bowel obstruction… and I don’t know if it will be the one that takes me. I have to keep thinking that I have been lucky so far… The faint ticking in the back of my head is driving me to experience as much as I can – while I can. I suppose that’s a lesson for everyone – people with bowel conditions and normals… the clock is ticking for all of us. Don’t put things off until tomorrow because there just might not be one. I suppose that’s one good thing about #5 – I am aware that the clock is ticking, as everyone’s is, I suppose that pushes me to live in the moment a little bit more.