On the 28th of April the decision to have my own biological family was made for me.

Like most youngish couples we have mounting pressure from both sets of parents to produce grand children.  Little bundles of flesh that they can dote on.  I will admit, procreation has never been particularly attractive to me.  I have never heard the ticking biological clock a lot of women my age hear.  However, since being in a serious relationship with my current partner, the baby window was one I refused to close completely, until now.  It seems I has held it open for a while, thinking my mind might change.  I wasn’t ready to completely write it off.  Now, I have no choice.

Its not like having children is impossible, with a lot of painful preparation on my part, there is a chance I could carry a baby to term.  It’s not a good chance, but it exists.  However, there is a strong possibility that I would pass either Crohns disease or another, worse ailment in the IBD family to my off spring.  I cannot, in my right mind justify to myself, bringing an innocent life into the world who will have to suffer the same way I do.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy, let alone my own child.  This is a personal choice, I have read about a lot of people with Crohns or Ulcerative Colitis having kids.  I have also read that in a lot of cases, those kids inherited their parents curse.  The pull of parenthood can be very strong, I have seen it among my friends, but it’s not with me, so why should I add to the misery of the world?

Skipping ahead to having kids is a rather big jump.  I personally have such low levels of Iron my GP, Specialist and just about everyone else I have come into contact with along the medical chain don’t think I could conceive. I certainly couldn’t carry to term without 3 monthly iron injections, not covered by insurance (not that we have any at the moment, but that’s another story).  Iron injections, I have been informed, are excruciatingly painful and very expensive if its not required to keep you alive – and in my case its not.  I am very low, but its not life threatening.

I know that one of my high school friends in particular will think that I should push on – she thinks I would be a good mother, I think she might be a little bit crazy.  I can’t imagine trying to overcome one of my attacks while trying to sooth my child who is going through something similar.  I can hardly stand, let alone be nurturing.  The parents will think I am being selfish – what about them! We are their only chance for grand children (apparently).  My partner just lets their very poignant, verging on pushy, comments wash over him.  They hit me square in the face, especially because everything is so fresh in my mind – my partner has to deal with this by proxy, I have to deal with it head on.   On the way back from the specialists appointment on the 28th my father absently asked me “how does all this effect your chances of having children”, not ‘how are you with all this’ or something consoling.  No.  He was straight to the point – although it wasn’t his intention.  I exploded, saying that there was no chance, not even a single inkling that I will be the one to give them grandchildren.  He was so upset by this he actually raised his voice to me while I was still trying to come to terms with the end of my relatively normal life.  He shouted “Hold on!  There’s still hope!”.   “No” I retorted, “there’s not”.  I then explained, in graphic detail, what an attack of Crohns disease was like for me, followed by asking whether he though it was fair that I knowingly put someone else through that.  There was silence after that.  The subject has never been raised again by my family.

That hasn’t stopped the ones on the other side continuing to quip at my expense.  The worst thing is, I try and explain what I go through, and everyone in the audible vicinity recoil into their shells, cease eye contact and follow that with a cheap change of subject.  They are uncomfortable just hearing about it – spare a thought for me, who has to live it.  So basically, I want all the ‘suggestions’ about starting a family to just… go away.  It’s a big, fat reminder that I have Crohns disease, that I am not normal.  I don’t need to be reminded.  And I don’t need to dwell on the fact that I wont have a family.

It never really mattered to be before – I have to wonder why it’s upsetting me so much now.