Yesterday I missed yet another event in our social calendar.  One which I particularly wanted to attend.  I can’t be sure it was Crohn’s – it was uncharacteristic of it – but it was either that or the medication playing havoc with me.

Friday night I got home and I was exhausted.  That can be indicative of so many things… a virus, disrupted sleeping patterns, taxing days.  It is also one of the signs that Crohn’s is active.  You see, when the disease is doing its thing your body burns calories, lots of calories.  Making you a) tired to the point of exhaustion and b) lose weight.  The calorie burning and digestive problems combine to make it almost impossible to maintain weight or in fact put additional weight on.  I have been maintaining my weight lately – and its sitting a little higher than I would like… but its times like this you are thankful.

It wasn’t just the exhaustion thought.  On Saturday I woke up to the most severe joint pain I had experienced in about 6 month.  Excruciating is the only word I can use to describe it…. and Panadol is all I could take, are you getting that I am bitter about that?  See the thing with abdominal conditions isn’t so much what you have to take – its what you can’t take.  Any heavy painkillers (apart from a very few on the narcotic scale) slow down your bowel or negatively impact on the ulceration Crohn’s leaves in its wake.  I digress, yes, exhaustion, joint pain and probably the most concerning (and new) symptom, chest pain.  We soon tracked the chest pain to an infected mosquito bite on my sternum.  Actually, given the state of it, I am shocked I missed it until when I did… but I have been working hard lately.  We also figured out that my pain was at the front of my chest (like a punch or a bruse) rather than behind my ribs which could have signaled heart problems.

I texted my regretful absence at the baby shower I wanted to attend, got up forced something into my stomach so I could take one of the few steroids I had remaining, tried to work, then returned to bed in pain.

What.the.hell?

This was Crohn’s without the “Crohn’s”.  Its so hard to ascertain why I feel the way I do.  Is it my 18 hour work days?  Is it my “condition”?  Is it the medication to treat my “condition”?  Or is it another bug that most people would just brush off?  I suppose the longer things go on, the more I will learn about everything connected with the condition and the medication.  In the meantime it gives me grave fears… We have had the good fortune of being given some of my partners parents timeshare for the year.  It is a god send even though I feel guilt and reluctant to take it.  I don’t often put my hand out and I am always left with a sour taste when I do.  However, we both made an agreement this last “year of hell” that when someone offers you something for the right reasons, you take it, with thanks.  Anyway, this episode, and the others like it are this constant little reminder that I can’t escape this disease.  I can’t shake it and I certaily can’t just forget about it.  If we take the time and book our flights – will I have a flare up or some other random surprise the day we leave or while we’re over there?  I have been sick while I’ve been away before – well most times, air travel is one of those body stresses that Crohn’s seems to thrive on.  But now I am looking at all these little things knowing the big picture – I am more concerned than ever.  Its heartbreaking but you have these moments where you think “am I going to be able to live a normal life now I know?”  Will I be able to be spontaneous again?  Will I simply be able to forget for an hour, an evening or a week?  The only answer I have – is I don’t know.  I am not the kind of person to just give up on my old way of life – but it does make you think twice, about a lot of things.

Think about it – Crohn’s has changed my mind on one life changing decision already this year and we are still yet to see if that was for the best.

I have spent the last 5 years of my adult life trusting that the decisions I make will be the right ones.  Now I find myself not being able to trust my body and that is making me second guess myself and some of my choices.