Today was meant to be my first day back at work for the year – it was not.  I couldn’t sleep at all last night… I am still very cold-y/flu-y, but for the I have not run a fever today, so  think I am out of danger, for now at least.  Back to the grind tomorrow – I have a feeling that even 3 days is going to be difficult in my state.

It’s such a delicate balance – the whole immunosuppressant thing.  Today my viral symptoms were a bit better – but I felt like every bone in my hands was broken (which also didn’t lend itself to sleep).  I have learned a lot from this experience.   I think after I got sick the first time I sort of counted it as a bit of a non-issue.  I think I was wrong.  I mean I did feel a bit worse, but it didn’t last any longer than a normal cold.  This time round I have been sick for a week and counting and started showing signs of the dreaded fever.  I mean there are provisions, right – this could have been a nasty virus… a bad one was going round work just before the holidays.  It might have been my bad luck that I caught it over the holidays.  On the other hand it could be that before the Imuran wasn’t working properly and now it is.

I really don’t know.

It’s crazy that this year is booking up already… I mean we have interstate friends here this weekend, the weekend after I have client meetings and every weekend in February is taken with work, social events and one Sunday I am pretty sure I am going to bowl a tournament (I know, I’m shocked too).  I mean its good to have things on – but time goes so fast when you are always occupied, I just want things to slow down for a while – so we can properly catch our breaths and make proper plans…. Hah – at least I have tamed the ever growing pile of washing.

This is the first time in about 5 years I am not looking forward to going back to work.  I feel like this for a lot of reasons – but mainly because I no longer know who to trust there.  I have had the knife stuck in my back – by so many people there I should have died from sevear trauma to my spine long before I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.  In a company of less than 30 people its scary when you don’t know who you can talk to or who is out to make something of themselves at your expense.  I have put up with so much – because in the end I was getting “the job”.  “The Job” has been given to someone else, much to my disappointment.  I am torn in so many different ways at the moment… I have a Post Grad course guide on my desk with two different courses marked, I have a nice neat stack of job bags from Enslaved Design and I have the classifieds.  The worst thing is – for the money (and a little bit of respect) I would stay.  I have a price tag (but doesn’t everyone).  My preference would be to hold onto my entitlements (leave & leave loading) and move to our manufacturing branch.  Its smaller and I know the products well – better than any other product we sell.  But I think they are too small to support me yet.  Its all so confusing – but its like a sledgehammer to the head when you see your title attached to a 1 year Certificate at TAFE.  Now, I have nothing against TAFE, but if I wanted to be what they are selling – I would have spent the one year and $5k there rather than the 3 years and $30k (which I am still paying off mind you) at uni.  I know everyone thinks they are worth more – but… I am branding companies from scratch, I am confidently preparing successful marketing plans…  I am worth more.  There is nothing wrong with me for thinking that, there is something wrong with them for not seeing that.

I smell roast.  I must feed myself.