Certainly, uncertain.

The chilli Vodka is still stinging my throat….

We search our whole life for soul mates… We look everywhere for “that connection”.  I think what a lot of people misunderstand is that a “soul mate” doesn’t necessarily refer only to your partner – in some cases the states of “partner” and “soul mate” are completely unrelated.  I found a few soul mates in my life, one naturally being my partner, I am fortunate in that respect.  I am more fortunate to be able to say that I have several others.

Two of those, who I speak about from time to time, are Maz and Ross.  They have been a very stabilizing influence through my Crohns journey and I would put money on the fact I would not have made it through as well as I have without them.  I think the reality is, I might not have made it through at all.  I met Ross and Maz at Nerang Bowl with I as a Junior of 13.  I have know them for 15 years and the time I spend with them is the time I feel lucky.  Not lucky I have this disease, but lucky that I have people like them to talk to about it.

Maz became critically ill about 6 years ago… one thing led to another and soon after that she was admitted to Logan Hospitals respiratory wing in a coma from suspected viral pneumonia.  After dying at least once over a period of 2 weeks, she made what the doctors still think of as a miraculous recovery and was discharged.  Over the 5 years that followed she as been almost a resident at Gold Coast Hospital – she has suffered from everything including broken bones, broken blood vestals in her bowel, numerous infections… and sadly cancer.  After another two near death experiences – where we all were advised to go and say goodbye while we can, the doctors came across treatment which seems to be keeping her out of hospital.  She as been in only briefly over the last year for tests and cancer evaluation.  She was doing better, until I saw her last night.  She is due for a scope today, not a colonoscopy… but anesthetic is still required.  For the normals reading this (thank you for taking the time), anesthesia is a little bit dangerous full stop, but for people in Maz’s condition – they recommend you update your will before going under.

Knowing the risks I put last night aside for some drinking and reminiscing.  I will always regret having to split my time so many ways and sometimes devote it to tasks and people who don’t deserve it.  But I make a point of trying to be there for the important moments.  Last night was one of those times.  Its funny, we have done this dance a few times now, but I never got a bad feeling until last night.  Until she walked out of their room with a small, coloured box.  She thrust it into my hands and asked me if I liked it – and of course I did – Marion has impeccable taste.  Inside was a unique silver bracelet.  She told me the back story for this particular piece – it was the first item of jewelery she ever bought.  I refused, telling her after all these years a scope wouldn’t take her from us… but at the same time you never really know….   At the end of the night, instead of writing my name on the box and storing it for when that fateful day, many years in the future, occurs she put it in my bag and told me that she didn’t want it to forgotten in the messy aftermath.  My heart broke as we walked up the driveway.  One of the best people who have ever existed was getting ready to die.  And we were all just passengers… nothing we said or did would change the outcome.

I have spent the day praying… I might not know what I am praying to, but I certainly know what I am praying for.

…. the chilli Vodka is still stinging my throat.

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